||[Nov. 10th, 2009|03:30 pm]
could she be in love?
|[||`my ears hear`
a few months ago i started school, semi-anxious to be done with it soon.
now, i hate it. i have no motivation. i hate papers more than life itself.
i am writing this journal piece instead of writing 3 papers right now. a 4-pg paper is due at 630, but i decided i don't want to go. i don't know why i do this to myself. procrastinate. i live in a poisonous environment. i cannot have any determination for anything living under this roof. i am really aggravated here and i hate: the mess, the kitchen that is still under construction, my room that has clothes in every corner, my car that i need to still finish emptying after moving back 3 months ago..... everyone else doesn't care around me so i don't care. it's hurting my grades, motivation, sleep, everything. i don't want to live here. i need to get the hell out but i don't have a job and i don't have any reason to want to get a job. i'm just going to come back to this fucking shit hole everyday.
i really need to pass this fucking english class or else i'll have to take it at another school. i dropped it at pbcc in the spring 2009 and i dropped it at tcc this summer, so if i don't get this fucking last paper together this time a-fucking-round, i'm going to have to enroll in another school and have another fucking class to take in the spring.
i really don't want to go to school in the spring. i really don't want to do anything. if this house isn't fucking together by the first week of the 2 classes i have to fucking finish up in the spring, i am going to drop them and move somewhere that is not in florida. seriously.
i have barely any cash flow, i am turning 21 in 4 months, i am going to vegas for st. patrick's day, but i don't want to be in this living environment. it is not fair. it is not okay. it is really detrimental to my well-being right now to be here. it's so stressful. i hate everything about this house. i would tell my mom to just fucking sell it but there is no reason to try to put this place on the market.
my room is a mess i wish i could just have it insta-cleaned so i can sit at my fucking desk and just do my work, but i can't. i'm sitting here crying because i'm disappointed in myself for not being able to just get my shit together. it's really impossible for me to be able to do so when i have to live like this though. it's not right. my mind set is retarded. i wish that i had a place that i could just go and get away from this and be able to get my motivation back and i could just get my shit together and get everything done and get the grades i know i could if there weren't so many distractions around me. i hate facebook i wish i could delete it. i've tried. all you have to do to get it back is put in your password again and it's there again.
tallahassee was so much better for my psychological issues with schoolwork. i was able to sit at my desk and get my shit done. i can't do that sitting on my bed, in this house. i've tried the library but there are still distractions and there is no internet there so i cannot write papers the way i'd be able to with the internet as a tool.
i really wish i didn't exist right now. i wish i didn't live in this house, in this room, in this neighborhood. i wish there were no worries in the world and that is not so, i'd rather just disappear.
when i visited jacqui's mom at work to do an interview for my education class, i had felt slightly more as ease with everything. i wish i didn't have to pass some of these classes to be a teacher. cindy mentioned that i could do my observations in her classroom and also possibly get paid to substitute some of the classes over at her preschool which is convieniently right next to my house. so i'm thinking about trying to get all of that done. the interview i did with her, i have to write 2 pages about, and that is due at midnight tonight as well.
i just wrote all of this, but i can't get myself to write pages and pages for school. i pay for school but i can't get myself to do shit. it really makes me upset that i can't push myself to do these things. everything sucks. i suck. ugh. :(
i need to get out of here.
my nose is stuffy. my eyes are red. my cheeks are wet. i hate my life.
~I’ve Lost All Inspiration:
I wish I could do an assignment without wanting to kill myself in the process.~