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could she be in love?

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life may just be coming together. [May. 23rd, 2011|04:40 pm]
could she be in love?
I see that I have not written in here for over a year and a half. I've matured a bit.

After that sad, unmotivated entry... I stopped going to school. (the following semester) Why waste a bunch of money on school that you aren't into?

I am sort of pissed. I just wrote a lot and my finger hit something on the keyboard and deleted everything except the above. Let me take this time to @%$#%$%^*&^*(^*$%$@%^$^%^&*(*&^%$
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broken promises [Nov. 10th, 2009|03:30 pm]
could she be in love?
[Current Location |bed]
[`feelin pretty` |stressedstressed]
[`my ears hear` |sniffles]

a few months ago i started school, semi-anxious to be done with it soon.

now, i hate it. i have no motivation. i hate papers more than life itself.

i am writing this journal piece instead of writing 3 papers right now. a 4-pg paper is due at 630, but i decided i don't want to go. i don't know why i do this to myself. procrastinate. i live in a poisonous environment. i cannot have any determination for anything living under this roof. i am really aggravated here and i hate: the mess, the kitchen that is still under construction, my room that has clothes in every corner, my car that i need to still finish emptying after moving back 3 months ago..... everyone else doesn't care around me so i don't care. it's hurting my grades, motivation, sleep, everything. i don't want to live here. i need to get the hell out but i don't have a job and i don't have any reason to want to get a job. i'm just going to come back to this fucking shit hole everyday.

i really need to pass this fucking english class or else i'll have to take it at another school. i dropped it at pbcc in the spring 2009 and i dropped it at tcc this summer, so if i don't get this fucking last paper together this time a-fucking-round, i'm going to have to enroll in another school and have another fucking class to take in the spring.

i really don't want to go to school in the spring. i really don't want to do anything. if this house isn't fucking together by the first week of the 2 classes i have to fucking finish up in the spring, i am going to drop them and move somewhere that is not in florida. seriously.

i have barely any cash flow, i am turning 21 in 4 months, i am going to vegas for st. patrick's day, but i don't want to be in this living environment. it is not fair. it is not okay. it is really detrimental to my well-being right now to be here. it's so stressful. i hate everything about this house. i would tell my mom to just fucking sell it but there is no reason to try to put this place on the market.

my room is a mess i wish i could just have it insta-cleaned so i can sit at my fucking desk and just do my work, but i can't. i'm sitting here crying because i'm disappointed in myself for not being able to just get my shit together. it's really impossible for me to be able to do so when i have to live like this though. it's not right. my mind set is retarded. i wish that i had a place that i could just go and get away from this and be able to get my motivation back and i could just get my shit together and get everything done and get the grades i know i could if there weren't so many distractions around me. i hate facebook i wish i could delete it. i've tried. all you have to do to get it back is put in your password again and it's there again.

tallahassee was so much better for my psychological issues with schoolwork. i was able to sit at my desk and get my shit done. i can't do that sitting on my bed, in this house. i've tried the library but there are still distractions and there is no internet there so i cannot write papers the way i'd be able to with the internet as a tool.

i really wish i didn't exist right now. i wish i didn't live in this house, in this room, in this neighborhood. i wish there were no worries in the world and that is not so, i'd rather just disappear.

when i visited jacqui's mom at work to do an interview for my education class, i had felt slightly more as ease with everything. i wish i didn't have to pass some of these classes to be a teacher. cindy mentioned that i could do my observations in her classroom and also possibly get paid to substitute some of the classes over at her preschool which is convieniently right next to my house. so i'm thinking about trying to get all of that done. the interview i did with her, i have to write 2 pages about, and that is due at midnight tonight as well.

i just wrote all of this, but i can't get myself to write pages and pages for school. i pay for school but i can't get myself to do shit. it really makes me upset that i can't push myself to do these things. everything sucks. i suck. ugh. :(

i need to get out of here.

my nose is stuffy. my eyes are red. my cheeks are wet. i hate my life.

~I’ve Lost All Inspiration:
I wish I could do an assignment without wanting to kill myself in the process.~
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get the hell up out of here! [Aug. 24th, 2009|06:06 pm]
could she be in love?
[Current Location |my bed]
[`feelin pretty` |pissed offpissed off]
[`my ears hear` |fan spinning]

sooo....... the past 8 months or so a lot has happened, as usual.

january through may i stayed home and went to school while working weekend nights @ big al's in delray beach.

may 10- august 6 i had an apartment in tallahassee, fl which was the shit. loved living there. i didn't work, just took a few classes, partied, and summer vacationed. :)

during most of this period, peter and i had been on hiatus but still talked a lot. right as i was moving back to boca, (was in orlando for angie's grad) i decided i didn't want to see him anymore when i came back. he supposeidly had some sort of epiphany from 'trippin out' with his friends that he "didn't want to be single anymore"-- (currently blames this feeling on depression caused by the drug as an effect) but i fell for his crying and bs at the time, but a couple days later i went off to buffalo for a week.

buffalo, amazing as always. a nice getaway. went to the zoo with gracie, kellie's 1-yr-old niece. food, friends, fun. :)

anyway, i get back, peter picks me up from the airport.. we snuddle that night then i didn't get to see him for a couple days because his parents were being lame. then when i notice that peter is doing the same dickish routine with me via AIM a couple days ago, he says i'm being over dramatic. i think about it, and i could've explained a little better. forgive it, etc. we are good, good yesterday and today, until one little incident comes up. what is that? ohhhh! guess whhhatt? he mentions that he still does want to be single, etc/etc. really?? REALLY? so i pretty much said thanks for making me think all this shit, keeping from me the fact that you changed your mind about wanting to be with me, blahblah. so i said, get your shit, get out, don't talk to me. seriously. wtf. i am so fucking grumpy. thanks for wasting more time of my life, douche bag! i am not here just to benefit you. i want benefits myself, goddamn it.

my classes start tomorrow. i only have class on tuesdays. working full-time, here i come!

ta-ta for now.
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most stupid day of my life [Dec. 11th, 2008|07:03 pm]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |sadsad]
[`my ears hear` |retard meowing]

so i'm gunna try to make sense right now but i'm kinda irrational at the moment.

ok well i woke up at say, 4pm on wednesday, yesterday, and i was procrastinating studying for my exams, which i had 2 of today. and like, so i didn't do shit all day, cuz i'm like that.
and like 12am comes around and i planned on taking a shower, because i need to be clean in order to study, i know. and then.. 1220 my mom comes around the hallway and says my aunt called her and she fucking totalled her truck right across from outback on 18th street. so i'm pissed at her cuz she got into a more minor accident just a couple months ago. so i'm like mom just get into my car and let's get the dumb bitch. so we get there, her car is completly fucked in the front and she took down a whole fucking palm tree with her. it was all under her truck. i got mad pictures. my camera was being weird a couple times cuz of the flashing sheriff vehicle for some reason, i had never seen that happen before. anyways, the bitch has restless leg syndrome in her DRIVING leg! so i don't think she should drive anyway. and she had 2 drinks but she had gastric bypass surgery like 8 years ago and so she gets fucked up off one drink. and she thinks she isn't impaired, but she is. and she takes enough pain medications for all the other crap that is wrong with her, cronic migrains, herniated disks in her back, etc. and she goes off on a tangent saying how no one cares about her, no one loves her, blahblah. just because her boyfriend broke up with her recently and now she's living with us for the time being. but i hope that bitch gets a reality check soon.

anyway, so this happens right as i decided, hey, maybe i'll try to start studying. but yeah, obv i can't after that for a while. my mind was all preoccupied. so i end up staying online watching youtube videos, facebooking, and IMing a friend until 530am. sometime around 4 i think i took a shower. so i finally started studying. then after an hour or so, i figured i should take a nap. which was like 730. i woke up at 1030. studied for a bit, went to class at 1230, pretty sure i aced it thankfully. was done before 1. got home, had some lunch, watched tv, then started studying for my other test for just under an hour, went to my 330 test and pretty sure i aced that. so i'm pretty happy. i got my research paper back that was supposed to be 5 pages long, and i only got 2 done, and got a C! so i was kinda stoked actually. hahahahah. i hate research papers. and i did it all that day, so i think that's pretty good. ;] and so i got back home around 430. my aunt's crying on the phone with insurance people. i felt bad. the end with that.

now me and peter aren't really talking anymore and i'm kinda upset cuz all i wanted was him to be a friend to me like he is to anyone else and he's been being such a dick the last week. so i'm over that too. he's moving to loxahatchee next month, in january, anyway. but like.. i seriously have no girlfriends that i see everyday or whenever anymore and i'm sad. and he was the only otehr person i could see whenever cuz he has no job and i really need human interaction daily. if not, i'm insane. and like i've been really lonely and i hate my life. and i'm moving. k bye.
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killing me softly [Sep. 23rd, 2008|01:39 am]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |depresseddepressed]
[`my ears hear` |tv other room]

i've found myself in an abyss of no emotion.

i'm at another point of my life where i want to have someone to call my boyfriend. blah.

but i have too much shit going on as it is.

working... school...

going to ny oct 17-22; and boston nov 7-12... who knows where i am going for winter break?

might go to canada where yinkles is from. maybe utah for some snowboarding.

might try to get a job at the boca hotel soon... we'll see.

or i think i might just move next semester too, because it is entirely too lame for me as of right now in boca. i am going insane.

i'm growing depressed, because i like to see friends everyday, and i am not getting to do that very well!!! all i have is my retard- kitty friend. :[ she's cute though, currently rubbing her head on the edge of the screen. she's climbing all over everything now. weirdo.

i miss my friends. :( i wanna go to disney world. lol.

i am seriously hiding behind a smile. i look happy, but i'm really not at all.
i mean, nothing is horrible. but i'm kinda depressed. i wanna feel loved. :[

retard won't even snuggle with me. *sigh* hah.

well, i'm not quite sure if i had any homework the past 5 days, so i'm going to check and get some sleep. classes 1230-615... yay, PSH.
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my troubles and complaints, kerplank. [Aug. 30th, 2008|05:21 am]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |depresseddepressed]
[`my ears hear` |tv other room]

now that it has been about 5 months since i've written in here, i think it may be time to do so again!.. since i'm up and have nothing better to do with my life.

last time i wrote, i got my friend in trouble with school? that was awkward, so i'm going to try to never do that again! anyway...

well, i have no friends here in boca anymore. amanda moved to connecticut almost a month ago. everyone else went back to school.
catherine- fsu; chloe- uf; angie- fullsail; jacqui- ucf... vinny went back to ucf.

mike moyer came to visit for a few days at the end of july, i hadn't seen him in over 3 years.. crazy. it was nice the first 2 days, but then, dumbass biatch brittany mcleod whored herself into shit some more. so... then it went sour, oh well.

i have geina, monique, and candice here... but we all have different schedules with school and work, so, it's kinda hard to play.

i need to work out and lose some lb's and tone my boday. lalalaa..

my "neighbor boys from lynn" aren't anymore. they moved west. now i see that there are new ones. i should meet them soon, but i keep working late nights this weekend :[.

well, this semester i'm taking 3 classes... fun.

oh, july 1st my hosue got semi-robbed. my shit got robbed. my dell laptop & both of my digital cameras. sucks. but currently i am on my new hp laptop & i also got a new fun digital camera. :] but, i don't have my pictures from when kellie came down for 2 weeks in june! :[

hmm.. jory transferred schools so i don't get to see his cuteness anymore :[ now he is going to school in boston.. i think i'm gunna go visit at the beginning of november.

i'm going to buffalo/canada for kellie's 19th bday, woowoo. get drunk! :] her brother pj just had his first baby on the 22nd. so i get to see a new little bamrick.

ah, shit! i just realized i have to write a paper for my enc1101 for tuesday. whatevs. i'd rather write about nonsense on here.

hmmm..... there's a lot of storms and shit going on right now, fuckin' hurricane season in south florida! baaaah.

i'm kinda depressed. and it's not turning me on.

i'm going to go to sleep now possibly, nice short update on my boring life. k bye.
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whistled as i waited, but you're just too jaded [Sep. 8th, 2007|05:36 pm]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |contemplativecontemplative]
[`my ears hear` |tv other room]

you got me & i got you
we're the same 2 + 2
you plus dis puzzay equalz love and get sqquuishaayyyyyy

i just had to put this somewhere that i could read it again, wrote that last night... ha.

so.... i started college @ pbcc, eh.

i might move next year or something. who knows?

maybe i'll start flying or something... next trip probably in october. most likely back up to new york to visit kell since they're moving. possibly connecticut with amanda's fam? i duno, i guess i'm invited. :) we'll see though.

i'm looking for a job. i need money that's not from my bank account. mhmmm.

& boys are stupid. that's all for today. kthxbye.
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well ain't this some shit? [Jul. 29th, 2007|09:21 pm]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |crazycrazy]
[`my ears hear` |tv other room]

a lot has happened since February, obviously.. so..

i'm 18, woot. i fixed my tattoo after that happened... it's a huge japanese penie flower now.

peter & i are still working out pretty decently. we've cheated on eachother this summer though so... who knows? i still love him. but maybe we'll end up taking a break and shit. i tried to start a break a couple weeks ago, but that didn't go as completely planned.

i guess i'm staying home and going to pbcc for a while until i figure something else to do. i want to be a flight attendant, but not ready to leave the nest. i want to go to school to be an elementary teacher, but i might want to do it internationally too, not just in america... so, i might do some international relations stuff. and later in life i might want to do some law stuff, but we'll see where life leads me.

well, this weekend was full of jello. i might have to claim this the jelloist weekend ever. and i might have to have a jello party next year, same weekend. so next summer, last weekend of july, is officially THE LAST WEEKEND OF JELLLOOOOOOOO!

really, i have no idea what i'm talking about.

but friday i went to a 1000+ jello shot party.
and last night i went to a frat party with a kiddy pool of jello for wrestling.
it was insane.

gotta goo!
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gotta go soon, babaylove [Feb. 8th, 2007|06:08 pm]
could she be in love?
[Current Location |Peter's Room]
[`feelin pretty` |hungryhungry]
[`my ears hear` |peter telling me to hurry up]

hello errrrrrrrrbody.

haven't updated in awhile.

second and last semester of highschool.. going pretty alright.
it sucks having to go to school everyday though, ha.

peter and i=good
vday= 6days
18th bday= 1month & 5days
1year= 2 months & 11days
out of school= 3months
graduation= 3months & 11days

wowowow, life's going by pretty quickly, eh?

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you glisten in the light inside my heart to die [Dec. 31st, 2006|02:17 am]
could she be in love?
[`feelin pretty` |boredbored]
[`my ears hear` |fan spinning, tv other room]

so, life's pretty good right as of now.

christmas was awesome... got a laptop, warm clothes, a pasta maker (haha), and other stuff. most importantly peter got me a cute necklace :]... mmmm babylove. and i had homemade raviolli, so def. a success.

right now, it's new years eve..... bringing in 2007 tonight!....
5 months till graduation, little scary. hopefully i pass my shit. XP all i have to do is pass the quarters, so....... no exams! as long as i don't miss school..... mhm!...

new york jan 3-7.... good shit.

ps: me and peter are excellent.
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